


alone and lonely

by maddy_does (favefangirl)



Series: carry on countdown 2020 [9]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Book 2: Wayward Son, heavy on the comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27857226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/maddy_does
Summary: Baz and Simon finally address the past.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: carry on countdown 2020 [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026733
Kudos: 37
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	alone and lonely

**Author's Note:**

> Carry On Countdown Day 9, DEC 3: Kids/Childhood

“What was it like?” Baz whispers into Simon’s ear, running one hand through his hair, the other wrapped around his waist.

“What?” Simon replies, nuzzling further into Baz’s neck.

“Before Watford and magic. What was it like for you?”

Baz knows Simon lived in care homes, knows he never knew his parents, that he lived in the Normal world when they weren’t at school, but he’s never bothered to ask what that was like for him. When they were at each other’s throats, he didn’t care. Holidays, when Simon wasn’t there, it was a blissful time. It was easier for Baz to contain his feelings without Simon’s presence in the room, stifling him. But he can’t imagine what it was like living without magic when he was  _ made  _ of magic.

“Hard.” Simon replies, softly. “Lonely.”

Baz kisses the mole on the side of his neck. If there’s anything he understands, then it’s loneliness. All those summers away from Watford - it may have been easier to ignore his feelings for Simon, but that didn’t mean they ever went away. He doesn’t remember a time when he wasn’t missing him. He thought it was hatred at first. Thought it was about wanting to prod and poke and make him go off just to see the carnage, but now he realises he only ever knew Simon was okay when he was under his thumb.

Like now. 

“The other kids didn’t like me,” Simon continues. “They were repulsed by my magic.” 

Baz kisses him again, just under his chin. He knows it’s hard for Simon to talk about magic, especially when he misses it every second of every day, as much as he might pretend he doesn’t. He wonders how much Simon thinks of then, of being cut off from Watford and magic every summer. Of getting to come home, knowing that come the next year it’ll all be stripped away again.

“Sometimes the kids would try to steal stuff from me,” Simon says, and Baz can feel the vibrations against his cheek as he presses it to Simon’s neck. “Sometimes I thought I was about to go off, and I’d have to run and hide where they wouldn’t see or get hurt.” Simon swallows, hard. “I had a list of things I missed about Watford, I’d wait until the very end of summer before I let myself think about it again.”

“Was I on it?” Baz asks, because after all these years, he’s done with feeling ashamed of how much he craves Simon’s affection.

“No.” Simon replies easily. Baz huffs a little laugh. Simon  _ was  _ his list. “But,” Simon continues, “I guess you were, in a roundabout way.” He shifts a little, repositioning Baz more against his shoulder in the process. “I guess I was always thinking about you, even when I didn’t mean to.”

Baz presses his lips against Simon’s collar bone and hums. He knows that feeling, that overwhelming pull right from your soul. He’s felt it since he was eleven, since the crucible drew him towards the boy he was destined to hate, who was destined to ruin him. And he has, in a million delicious, kind, thoughtless ways. He’s not sure he believes in soulmates, but he and Simon would make pretty good evidence for them.

“Until I was, maybe, thirteen, I thought my parents were going to show up and take me home one day.” Baz pulls Simon in a little closer because it’s a novelty to get to hear him talk like this, and he wants him to keep going. “I thought it would be some famous footballer and his glamour model wife.” Baz bites his lip. Instead he got a homicidal maniac and the woman who was dumb enough, and good enough to love him. “I think I just wanted a family.

“I’m your family,” Baz says, shifting up to look Simon in the eyes. “Me, you, your assortment of tragic friends,” Simon laughs and lolls his head to the side. Baz kisses his cheek to conceal the smile that spreads on his own face. “We’re your family.”

Simon turns his head back to look at him. He gently tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, eyes half lidded and so, so soft. “Ditto,” he says. 

They’ve talked before about Baz’s family, about how he’s always tried to live up to their impossible expectations, how he knows how ashamed his mother would be, and his father is, of all that he’s become. Simon had told him he loved him for the first time that night, and Baz had been so overwhelmed by just how fortunate he was to have this beautiful boy, and be allowed to hold him, and rest easy knowing his fifteen year old self got everything he’d ever wanted but never deserved, that all he’d been able to say in response was “Ditto.” 

He knew what Simon meant and so he kissed him, and sent a silent little thank you to the dumb kids they both were, and a promise that it gets better. It gets so, so much better.

**Author's Note:**

> another short one, but again, i'm kinda proud of it? maybe that's just me.
> 
> anyway, if you wanna leave a comment or a kudos they're much appreciated! especially let me know if there's something you think i forgot to tag! 
> 
> i'm taking prompts! if you're interested please drop the prompt in the comments below. if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because _uni_ , but i promise i'll try! come say hi on tumblr: [@maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks for reading, have a wonderful existence.


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